I wanted things to work out with J. because he seemed like a nice guy, but after that terrible kiss last week, I started feeling more and more repulsion towards him. By the time I saw him again on Friday (well at lot happened between Monday and Friday), I was done. I wasn't attracted to him. He said, "Kiss me," before the musical started and flashbacks of excessive tongue made me nauseous. I made it through the musical and didn't try to make an excuse to go home. We went to my friend's apartment party afterward. I invited him earlier during the week, and I wasn't annoyed enough at this point to call it a night. I could tell he was trying really hard to be everyone's friend at the party and if I had liked him, it would have been endearing. Since I didn't, it was embarrassing.
I swung open the door to a fairly small party. About ten to fifteen people were in Shawn's living room, most of whom I didn't know. J. walked in and proceeded to introduce himself to everyone in the room. He tried to tell people I don't drink, in this matter-of-fact way, as if he's known me for years. Also, he made an inappropriate comment when I told Melissa about this terrible asylum case that I read about in the course of working on my own asylum case (brother while driving drunk got into a car accident that killed his sister, brother is now being deported because he committed manslaughter and is violating his conditional visa, family loses both children). J. chimed in, "It's like Jerry Springer. An Asian Jerry Springer."
I turned towards him, "No it's not."
He took me home around midnight. I thanked him for the date and he asked if he was invited in. I said I was tired. I told myself I would send a thanks for everything, but I don't see this going any further text. I haven't, because I suck at this. I think he got the message though when I didn't call or text him back after that date.
I feel relieved that it's done, but mostly I feel guilt. I let it go on a lot longer than it should have because I enjoyed the dates. I should have known after that terrible kiss that it just wasn't going to happen. I should have trusted my intuition. I dreaded the musical date, but I made myself go anyway, really hoping that it wouldn't be so bad.
And maybe it would have gone further if P. hadn't reappeared in my life. P. was the #2 kiss in my previous entry. I know he doesn't read this, so I thought it was a strange coincidence that right after I wrote the entry he texted me. We saw each other again on Wednesday and I remembered that I could have a pretty boy. I could have kisses that spark that dizzy feeling in the back of my head. I'm twenty-three---why on earth am I settling now?
Back to the drawing board.
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