I'm tired of having that little number determine how I live my life. Weight, by itself, is a poor indicator of health. Fat content, by itself, is a poor indicator of health. See, I think that's where I got tripped up, a long, long time ago. I decided at one point that I no longer trusted my eyes, that absolute truth lied in those little numbers. Mirrors and pictures may lie and clothes may stretch, but the scale never lies. Within the scale is the harsh reality and I must always be aware of what that number is.
Sure, there were brief periods, maybe months, where I decided that thinness was an overrated ideal. Thinness didn't make factory made clothes any easier to find or life much more satisfying. But these moments inevitably ended with a triggering event---sometimes an unflattering picture or fluorescent lighting in a dressing room stall. Then I would be back to scribbling little calorie counts in the margins of my books or on the back of receipts. I would run, run, run from the phantom number on the scale until my whole body reluctantly gave up bits of its fat reserves.
Anyone who has successfully dieted can tell you that the relationship between health and weight is bullshit. Exercise stimulates your appetite. You often lose more weight when you cut calories and do minimal exercise. You may gain weight as you build muscle, which scares many women from building muscle in fear of looking bulky or gaining weight. Sometimes fat doesn't go away. Even when I was pounding the pavement or treadmill 5 to 6 times a week, I didn't look lean. My legs didn't gain those muscle lines.
For me, health had little to do with thinness or weight, or even body composition. So I decided that I will stop reading these false signals. I was interpreting the numbers all backwards. They are merely indicators of poor diet and health, but only I know for sure what my diet and health is. Changing those numbers doesn't necessarily mean that I am changing my health and diet in the right direction. Only I can control that. All these notions of "fitness" are based on attaining a certain image and I can't worry about that anymore.
So, to end my long rant, which is mostly to myself, but who knows, maybe it's fun for other people to read, I am going to stop reading that stupid scale. This year, I am going to make colorful meals and eat well for me. I'm going to run because it clears my mind. I am going to play sports, because I miss catching up with friends. I am going to snowboard, because I want to beat my bf down the mountain. Who cares about the scale. I may throw away the mirror next. Ha. (Probably not.)