Vegas

No stories. Just my fave pics. 

Even Jerry came out to Hakkasan.

being "soft"

    I bought cupcakes for the assistants for no reason. My coworker pointed out that I had a "soft" side. Several days ago, I sent a package with some thoughtful things to a friend, also with no occasion attached. That word came up again. "Soft."

   Wtf does that mean?

   The word tugged at me as I read cases, started outlines, and went through my daily tasks. I started to unpack it in my head.

    At my work, there are no female partners. All the men are younger (early 40s), so there's kind of this informal, relaxed, aggressive culture to work. Since everyone is relatively young and male, I kind of act like them. I say "dude" a lot to my bosses. Everyone wears jeans and the one time I wore a pencil skirt, one of the partners asked me if I went to court earlier that day. Against this backdrop, I come off as kind of a tomboy, which is not really something that I ever thought of about myself. I accepted this designation without much thought.

   Then this "soft" business came up. I just hated how smug she seemed, as if she discovered some great secret about me. She acted as if being a tomboy (which I still don't think I am) meant that I was trying to hide the fact that I am nice to others. I balked at this fundamental misunderstanding of my nature. I often share food, buy gifts just because, and am generally amiable around my colleagues. Why is that being conflated with "soft?" If I were a man who showed the same kind of generosity, would anyone jump on it and think that it was a telltale sign of femininity?

    Further, I am not trying to hide my femininity at work. I just don't think about it. I don't think about being anything but a smart and aggressive advocate, and somehow that translated into not being feminine. You can be aggressive and bullish without being a miser. You can be generous and kind to people on your team, and still be a fierce litigator when the time comes to be strategically aggressive. I don't understand what being "soft" has to do with any of it.

I'm a real person now

I celebrated my work anniversary two weeks ago. I've been a second-year ever since I started getting paid like a second-year, but I never really stopped to think about it until now. There was a barrage of work, which thankfully let up recently, so now that the dust has settled, I can type some words of reflection.

I spent most of my first year prepping for arbitration on a big case. We actually went to arbitration, which was exciting to see. My first year of practice was mainly spent just learning how to do things. It's true that you don't really learn the mechanics of practicing law in law school. We practiced writing memos and briefs, but I never learned all the possible pleadings and how to use them. Legal strategy never came up either. That's the exciting part, picturing the ways a case can go, but I wonder if the novelty will wear off.

The most valuable thing I learned this past year was how to write a clean brief. In law school, all our prompts kind of had a close universe of facts. In practice, the universe of facts ends up being closed after awhile, but at first, there are just so many facts out there for the culling. It's a challenge not to get lost in the thicket, but when you're around experienced, talented attorneys, you get to see how they keep their head straight when so many things are going on.

I've been to court a bunch of times for hearings, getting used to being addressed as "Counselor." I still kind of hate suits, but my most recent purchase actually feels comfortable to me now. I love running into friends in court; it's happened quite a bit. I was really nervous before a hearing, but having my friend around before having to go in front of the judge for oral arguments soothed my nerves. (I won that one btw. Woot.) I'm still trying to figure out where I want my career to go---working on that 5-year plan. So far though, everything seems to be falling into place.

all smiles

despite the emo ish I've been posting.

some emo ish

We must learn to let go, to give up, to make room for the 

things we have prayed for and desired.

Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down. 

Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. 

It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. 

It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which we 

cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means taking 

care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness, and love, as much as 

possible.

Done With Invisalign!

I have so much to blog about, such as, what happens when you lose an Invisalign tray? Refinements- which added another 4 months on top of the 8 months that I wore the tray. I finally got all the hooks off last month. Someone at work thought I had teeth deformities and never mentioned it to me. He knew I had Invisalign! Anywho, all of these burning updates will have to wait for another time. I still think that one tooth kind of tilts to the inside, but it might just be because I'm not as vigilant about wearing my trays as I was in the beginning. Hopefully with a year of wearing retainers for 22 hours a day, that one tooth won't tilt in anymore. I will blog about the retainer process after I get them in a couple of weeks.

Left: December 2011
Right: December 2012

Post-Wedding Bridesmaid Thoughts

Weddings, like death, don't really hit you until it happens to someone close you. (Is she joking, you are wondering. Is this going to be morbid, because if so, I'm going to stop reading. Keep going. It won't be.) When weddings happen to someone close to you, it really forces you to contemplate the fact that one day, it might happen to you too.

I use the word "you," but I really mean me. I was forced to think about how a wedding might happen to me.

The cost. Good lord, the cost. This is the only time in my life I am going to spend a thousand dollars on flowers, and maybe another couple of thousands on a dress, and pay someone to make sure my hair is an immobile helmet. 

The planning. I hate planning. If it was up to me and not society, I'd have a big potluck and everyone will come with food and make the decorations, like at my last birthday party. 

    But you can have a small wedding. Though this is true, I will then I have to deliberate whether I want a small or big wedding. My future husband will have input too, I suppose, and everyone's parents will have something to say about it. 

I dread it all. 

    Then you don't have to get married. You're right. I could just not get married, but then I will have to think about whether or not I want to get married. 

    Didn't you make a wedding scrapbook when you were 10? I think I was practicing to be a wedding planner and not planning my own wedding, because I had like 5 diff weddings in there. 

   Didn't you pick up a bunch of free bridal magazines off of Craigslist in 2008? Yes. I like magazines, and I was dumb(er). Oh, and they were free.

   You can still go clubbing and have fun with your friends after you're married! No one invites the married girl out. Trust me, I've deleted plenty of numbers from my phone. Kidding!

   Didn't so-and-so just propose/get married? Yes. I was hoping he would die sad and alone, but it looks like he's not going to. Fiddlesticks.

What I hate the most are the cliches. Good thing my friends are smart and verbose, because if any one of them uses the phrase "made for each other," I will turn off the mic. I will probably not be friends with that person anymore. Fair warning.