missing the funemployment life

It was delicious.






^ Banana caramel bread pudding

Huckleberry in Santa Monica

first day

I think I am at lawsuit mill. USC colleague has been there for 5 months, and she looks exhausted. She's handling 40 cases, all at once.

The office is practically deserted at 5 PM, minus USC colleague. The other new associate went to UCLA Law. I guess we're all desperate for employment.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I sit RIGHT NEXT to the boss until we move into a bigger office. I can reach over and tap him on the shoulder. 

"Love is not love which alters when it in alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove: O no! It is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken. It is the star to every wandering bark, whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken." 

"Love alters not with [time's] brief hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom." 

Thank you Mr. Shakespeare. You really are timeless.

employed.

"This is not your big break; it's just a springboard."

I had a phone interview, an in-person interview, and an offer.

The good:
I am an associate.
The firm specializes in employment law.
I negotiated a better salary than the initial offer.

The bad:
The pay.
It's in Long Beach.

I have to make some compromises. What's my alternative? This BS hostess job? Working practically for free? This is not forever. The universe might not give me everything I want, but it's pretty good at taking care of my needs.

deployment denial

My boyfriend is an Army Reservist. He is being deployed for maybe 400 days.

I say it in an off-hand way, with little to no expression. Anytime I tell someone, their face falls. They show an expression of sympathy while I shrug.

"Maybe you're dead inside."

Maybe I am just so tired of having to feel something. That part of my brain just shut itself off. I was in a long distance relationship for about four years. I hated being apart. Every time he left, I felt a terrible ache that started as soon as I drove away from the airport and seeped into the days following his departure. I made little countdowns until the next visit. It was exhausting, even the excitement of seeing him ceased being enjoyable.

I just want a sense of emotional stability, even if that means not feeling anything.

I'm old enough to know that a year can pass in a blink of an eye. I don't want these last days to be filled with a sense of dread. I don't want to let that ache back in.

Back in August, when he first received his orders, I didn't want to be with him anymore. I sobbed. I hated that I was back in this situation, but eventually, the feeling passed and I stayed. That initial outburst was pretty much it. I face the coming week with a sense of indifference. Okay, so he's leaving. There's not much I can do about it, so why beat myself up with grief, dread or worry?

poof

Maybe my old friend had it right afterall. She ended a 7 year relationship with nary a word. Just stopped talking to the guy. He messaged her to confirm a month later that they were broken up. They were.

The break up talk is always so heartwrenching. It's hard to commit to a break up talk, because risk aversion starts to kick in. I start to chicken out when I think of the break up talk. This seems much better. No contrived reason as to why it's not working out.

 Maybe I just need to disappear. 

NYE

My friend hosted a party at her apartment and made everyone dress up. I think Kevin and I did dress pretty nicely.

 We didn't have time to make anything for the potluck, so Kevin and I brought 50 pieces of McDonald's chicken nuggets. I took all the nuggets out of the boxes and stuck toothpicks in them. I grabbed pieces of lettuce out of a nearby salad and garnished the "breaded chicken." I made everyone refer to them as "breaded chicken" the whole night. Wish I had taken a picture.

“You yourself are read in so many different ways by people and you cannot control what they see. All you can do is know your intentions are good, you are good and loving, and they are probably trying their hardest to overcome a hurdle in their life. Be open, aware, and positive, and hope for the best."