My boyfriend is an Army Reservist. He is being deployed for maybe 400 days.
I say it in an off-hand way, with little to no expression. Anytime I tell someone, their face falls. They show an expression of sympathy while I shrug.
"Maybe you're dead inside."
Maybe I am just so tired of having to feel something. That part of my brain just shut itself off. I was in a long distance relationship for about four years. I hated being apart. Every time he left, I felt a terrible ache that started as soon as I drove away from the airport and seeped into the days following his departure. I made little countdowns until the next visit. It was exhausting, even the excitement of seeing him ceased being enjoyable.
I just want a sense of emotional stability, even if that means not feeling anything.
I'm old enough to know that a year can pass in a blink of an eye. I don't want these last days to be filled with a sense of dread. I don't want to let that ache back in.
Back in August, when he first received his orders, I didn't want to be with him anymore. I sobbed. I hated that I was back in this situation, but eventually, the feeling passed and I stayed. That initial outburst was pretty much it. I face the coming week with a sense of indifference. Okay, so he's leaving. There's not much I can do about it, so why beat myself up with grief, dread or worry?
I say it in an off-hand way, with little to no expression. Anytime I tell someone, their face falls. They show an expression of sympathy while I shrug.
"Maybe you're dead inside."
Maybe I am just so tired of having to feel something. That part of my brain just shut itself off. I was in a long distance relationship for about four years. I hated being apart. Every time he left, I felt a terrible ache that started as soon as I drove away from the airport and seeped into the days following his departure. I made little countdowns until the next visit. It was exhausting, even the excitement of seeing him ceased being enjoyable.
I just want a sense of emotional stability, even if that means not feeling anything.
I'm old enough to know that a year can pass in a blink of an eye. I don't want these last days to be filled with a sense of dread. I don't want to let that ache back in.
Back in August, when he first received his orders, I didn't want to be with him anymore. I sobbed. I hated that I was back in this situation, but eventually, the feeling passed and I stayed. That initial outburst was pretty much it. I face the coming week with a sense of indifference. Okay, so he's leaving. There's not much I can do about it, so why beat myself up with grief, dread or worry?
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I hope to visit LA before school starts, and you are definitely one of the people I'd love to see!
ReplyDelete<3 Linda